I should never be idle, it’s bad for my soul and my mind. I do crazy lazy shit when I have time. I downloaded a new Tony Hawk game, hey its what I am all about, don’t poke fun. So I usually set my grind button to F on the keyboard and now I can’t grind for shit. I keep doing these badass yet inappropriate lip tricks instead. Do I tap the key or hold it down? I have experimented both ways and still I have no idea. How the fuck am I supposed to medal like this? I become obsessed to the point where I am driving around town and I look at shit and say “that’s totally skateable.” I would ollie off of that fucking concrete thing and tailslide like a motherfucker into a revert and a frontside manual. I am 35 years old. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? I don’t want any more pie, thanks. I went to mom and dad’s, did my laundry (mom did my laundry, sweet), and listened to them arguing about my dad’s fanatical “March of the Penguins” viewing. He’s all “Sis, your program is on channel 205.” And what would that be? I guess the penguin movie is my program. You know your parents are senile when they start shouting out triple digit channel numbers at you like you know what the hell they are referring to, and tv is the most important thing ever. The TV Guide is the bible of the household. It’s bookmarked and in a very prominent place. My favorite? My mom calls Cinemax “Maxie.” Quite entertaining. Dad is also suddenly a big fan of the Lifetime channel. What the fuck? No wait, it’s worse than that. It’s the Hallmark channel. He likes to watch, and I quote, “tearjerkers.” I giggled but he was dead serious, he got that far away look in his eyes just thinking about it. I guess that is what happens when you turn 72, you get all soft. He sits there in his faded Harley t-shirt and tells me about the hippos and piranhas, his sandwich plans for the evening, and how much he has to pee. Mom points out the pictures of me as a baby and tells me the story behind each one. “You were four weeks and three days old in this one, wearing a summer dress and a wool hat. Everyone thought I was crazy.” Yeah mom, you are crazy. She used to use baby oil on my hair to mat it down, so in this picture of me I have greasy bangs and a pink wool hat with pom poms on the end of yarn strings, a huge birthmark in the center of my forehead, and my eyes are like crusted slits. “When people saw that they said ‘Oh how tired she was!’ and I said, no she’s wide awake.” I was a hot looking baby. My first communion picture is a work of art. It totally makes me look like a little angel even though I was far from being one at that age. I asked mom if that was a normal sized candle in my hands because my tiny paws make it look like it should be two feet tall. I confessed that I remember having that taken and all I was thinking about was damn, that candle wax dripping on my hands fucking burned. Ah, memory lane. Speaking of lanes of memories, I am none too proud to announce that I will be moving in with mom and dad for a total of five weeks in January. What? I have my first rotation in Worcester, which is like two fucking hours from where I live. Nice. To avoid two rent checks, I get my old bedroom back and lots of fringe benefits. My mom is so excited. She has already planned out everything and she says she will iron my clothes for me. I hadn’t even thought about the ironing, it clinched the deal. I suck at ironing. Believe me, I am dreading living with my parents after all this time. If I had a dime for every time I told my classmates that there was no fucking way in living hell I would live with them ever again, I wouldn’t have to. It should prove interesting to say the least.
In other banal news, the bible spouting guy in my class sent a group email about God to all of us. It’s basically a Thanksgiving type email yet it is wrong on so many levels. Shit, I am not anti-religion but I don’t want to open my inbox from my state affiliated school to find a message telling me to thank God for granting me a life without misery? Um, life is kind of miserable sometimes and it affects everyone, religious or not. It was good for a laugh and there is a brief mention of him forgiving me for disagreeing with his myopic views. I am so glad school is almost over. I know you want to read the email…
Greetings to everyone from Wisconsin. I am home visiting family and friends with my best friend, Fayth [his wife’s name, scary isn't it?]. Today is a day our country set aside for giving thanks; it was actually started by the Puritans and Pilgrims who were happy to have entered their new world. I am thankful for many things, most of all the blessing of being a Christian. Many of you know of my background, and some of you have expressed quite openly that you don't care for it. To that, I say thank you. We may not agree on everything, but at least we agree to disagree. I am thankful for the men and women who gave their lives so you and I can express our views, share our thoughts, and live in a free land. God's sovereign grace allows us to live every day and without thankfulness, we would be a miserable people [sic]. I want to encourage all of you to have a spirit of thankfulness today and to thank God that we live in a free land. May all of you enjoy time around a table filled with more food than we need! I do appreciate all of you and for the chance to know you all. God truly has given us a wonderful school, and I am grateful for the mind, resources, and ability God has given each of us to study.
May today be a day of Thanksgiving where we truly know where true freedom came from!
In sincere thanks,
Completely unaware that freedom was a homo sapiens thing. Oh, and our school is not so fucking great, trust me.
0 comments:
Post a Comment